Talk:Mosaic/Issue 1/@comment-26217707-20140604030436
HEYHO!!!! K, so this review can be as in depth as possible, gonna write this as I read. First: Great intro. You did a great job with the visualization and conveying Michael's emotion and desperation. A few lines even hinted at some mystery, like when you said no one else would die because of him....hmm :o As for improvement, though (and this could just be me being stupid and nitpicky as all hell) I'd say your sentence structure got a little repetitive at times in the intro. For example: "He grabbed the piece of metal with his jacket, quickly running to the car while the metal began burning through the leather. He threw the piece of metal at the back window of the car. The window smashed, shattering successfully. He moved towards the back window, climbing up on the trunk. He put his head inside the window, trying to get a view of the driver's seat." The majority of sentences in that one paragraph are "Michael does something, -ing verb here." It made some sections seem a bit robotic and repetitive for me as a reader. However, this paragraph is GREAT to read: "He thought to himself, maybe the body was completely incinerated. Maybe there wasn’t any body left. But he just wasn't sure. Could a body completely be burned to ashes? Ashes... another thought that came to him. People get cremated all the time. Maybe it was possible. Maybe. The last burnt body he saw wasn't completely gone. Suddenly, a sick feeling came to his stomach." The sentences are all different lengths and styles, making the general rhythm while reading it much more appealing. I hope that all makes sense; if not I'll clarify if you need me to. :) As I'm in the middle of this flashback, you've got a great knack for getting your reader to ask questions and building up some mystery so they feel COMPELLED to read on. You've done a great job shrouding Michael in some of that mystery so far: WHAT DID HE DO? IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM? WTF HAPPENED WHY ARE CARS BURNING GAH TELL ME. Your dialogue is also spot-on from what I could tell. Like, really spot-on. "The adrenaline was a nice cure." I LOVE THIS LINE! Danny's introduction: The "meeting another survivor by chance and teaming up while trusting this stranger surprisingly quickly" character intro is a bit overdone I think, but I've got faith that you can inject something unique into the Danny/Michael relationship. If Danny is going to be a main character (and especially since characters were so sparse this issue) I would've liked a more memorable introduction for him. Michael's flashbacks were definitely my favorite part of the issue and were a good addition to the more description-oriented present-time sections. Your dialogue was GREAT (which is hard to pull off, good job dude), and your descriptions were amazing as well. You used the pilot for some great mystery-build up and answered a few questions while leaving many more up in the air: that's the way to do It. I can come away from issue 1 of Mosaic saying I enjoyed it immensely. GOOD JOB, HO!